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[Sunday
April 16th, 2006] |
It indeed has been a long time. I moved in with my aunt Janet, i rent out her basement its pretty cool i guess i dont have the internet hooked up down there yet, but i did buy a new laptop for when i do such a thing. I hope everyone is havign a wonderful easter.
I dont htink the pain of losing my dad will ever go away, it hit me last nite that this was going to be the first holiday without him, and hten his bithday which is less then a month away also a week before mine & then after that its fathers day, no one knows how bad it hurts and how hard it is.....but i just put on a happy face because its easier to pretend then to cry all the time, thank you for everyone who had kind words for me, and for everyone who has been there to listen to me, i love you all for that. Anyway im at my Aunt Joyces, and everyone is out in the living room so im going to go join them & then go with Bill to his moms house, Everyoen have a very safe & happy easter..
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[Monday
January 9th, 2006] |
there isnt any way to do this that makes sense.... so im just gonna do it for me because i cant say what i need to say to the person i need to say it to.
Dear Dad,
i miss you, when i found out i lost it i wish i would have called you everyday last week i wish i would have done so much different its not even been a day since God took you from me but its been the longest day of my life.
I never once told you what a amazing person you were what a kind understanding loving person you were I keep lookign at beckys wedding pictures to just see you i keep looking for you to get online or call me or soemthing i wanna call your phone so bad & have you pick up & me tell you that i love you.
I dont understand why this happened or how or anything i want you back i want you to be here when i finally get married and when i have kids and when i graduate college. i want you to be stubborn just like i am becuase you know thats where i got it from i wanna look at you and think your 20 minutes away i want one of your massive bear hugs i want more then anything right now to be by your side
I wish i still had the voice mail you left me two weeks ago, i would do anythign just to hear your voice one last time just to tell you how much i love you and am sorry for everything i ever did wrong or made you mad i cant believe your gone why? please come back its not fair im only 21 i shouldnt have to bury my father at 21 i hope that your happy in heaven because i kno thats exactly where you are with grandma & grandpa & karl & sue....
Im sorry if i ever dissapointed you im sorry that i spent so long yelling at you for getting engadged so fast im so sorry and i love you so much and there wont be a holiday, special event, or a day that i wont miss you, i'll never forget what a wonderful person you were and all the special things we ever did togehter please just come back let this all be a dream a bad jokke anything please i jsut wanan hold your hand like i did when we would walk to the corner store to get a snack or run to you and hug you when you would get off work like i use to do everyday or just have you smile at me like i could do no wrong i wanna smell your stetson cologne or play video games with you id sit through every indian jones movie with you right now if i could just be with you i love you so much
me & becky are such a mess without you it hurts to look at her and it hurts to look in the mirror because i see so much of you in both of us ive never been so proud of how i look or my last name as i am right now because its one of the only things that no one can ever take away from me that was such a big part of you
please God give me strength to get through this give me something to hold onto because i can't do this by myself.
<3 your loving daughter
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[Friday
December 30th, 2005] |
holy shit....
he asked me to move in...
all the sudden i dont feel so young & free, i feel like this is for real
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[Saturday
November 26th, 2005] |
there she goes again she doesn*t need a
boyfriend she*s gonna have her fun &&&
never let it go to far, but then she*ll
PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR
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[Thursday
November 3rd, 2005] |
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I have come to the conclusion that i never ever update this thing anymore, my new addiction is myspace i love it, im sure i need a 12 step program ;)
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[Tuesday
August 2nd, 2005] |
i play it Off like i qOt nOthin tO lie abOut nOthin tO siqh abOut
but in my heart i knO i've qOt sOmethin tO cry abOut
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[Wednesday
May 18th, 2005] |
im officially turn 21 as of SATURDAY wow its gonan be a hectic day i fly back around 8 ish and then i go to a dinner party sarah & i arranged with just around 20 people, and then to the club everyone whose 18 & over will go to!!! It should hopefully be the best birthday ever!!!
im having alotta fun in big bad Virginia!!!
therei snt really that much to really tlak about so im going to go! I think im getting a hair cut today so that will be fun!!!
Alrite! Im outta here!
<3 Alicia
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[Wednesday
May 18th, 2005] |
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hmmm....
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[Tuesday
April 19th, 2005] |
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@ school leave a comment!!!
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[Wednesday
April 13th, 2005] |
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BTW thanks everyone for reading my english paper & helping me out, oh wait!! NO ONE DID
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[Thursday
April 7th, 2005] |
im so fuckign tired of people being ass holes to me , i do nice things for them & go out of my way to help them and then because i dont just keep my mouth shut about shit they get a attitude, WTF .
I dont understand this shit at all, not to mention how they claim there so fucking busy but yet play a stupid fuckign computer game all the mother fuckign time & lord knows if you said anything to them they would deny it. OK like i dont have two eyes, like i dont see you sistting there playing the mother fuckign game. But whatever what the fuck do i know?
what really pisses me off is you try to carry on a conversation with them and they just play a fuckign game thats all they ever fuckign do heaven forbid they go out to lunch with you, go somewhere, get up off their ass and do something with you but i guess "cyber" friends are so much better then your fucking sister, im done with this, from now ion i will clean my mess up & that is it i wil ldo my laundry and that is it i will not go out of my way for anyone....except brian because he atleast scknowledges im alive when i say hi or bye....
fuck that i dont claim to be perfect & i kno i can be a bitch at times & moody & all of that but i try to go out of my way in other areas to make up for it who ever invented the GAY ASS FUCKING GAME SECOND LIFE can seriously suck my ass
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[Wednesday
April 6th, 2005] |
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"...maybe i'm a girl, maybe i'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand..."
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[Monday
April 4th, 2005] |
I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said
If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own
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[Sunday
April 3rd, 2005] |
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DUDEE I TOTALLY RE-DID MY JOURNAL!!!!
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[Thursday
March 31st, 2005] |
Ive been a bad badd badddd girl =/ But we definatley wont go into that. My aim isnt working & i hate it!!! not to mention im fucking tired as all hell yikes today is gonna suck donkey balls
im sposed to go out with richard tomorrow but i dunno if things will go through or not for once, its hard for me to even get excited because almost everyother time we have made plans they never come through
the weather has finally been nice outside for a change, i love it but i hate when its only pretty on the days i have work & schoo l all day., go figure.
anyway, i think im gonna close this one out i got alot on my mind & im tired so im gonna lay down for another hour:-D
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[Thursday
March 31st, 2005] |
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and as her world came crashing down she realized she didn't love him. she loved the comfort of believing she was in love. they had sex all the time, it was a comfort...it was her believing someone cared about her. when all she was to him was a good fuck. i guess thats all he was to her too. when you feel as empty as she did, you would do anything to make yourself whole again...
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[Saturday
March 19th, 2005] |
In His Eyes- Jekyll and Hyde<3
I sit and watch the rain
And see my tears run down the window pane
I sit and watch the sky
and I can hear it heave a sigh
I think of him how we were
And when I think of him, then I remember
(remember)
In his eyes I can see
where my heart longs to be
In his eyes I see a gentle glow
and thats where I'll be safe I know
Safe in his arms, close to his heart
but I don't know quite where to start
By looking in his eyes
Will I see beyond tomorrow?
By looking in his eyes
will I see beyond the sorrow, that I feel?
Will his eyes reveal to me
promises or lies?
But he can't conceal from me the love in his eyes
They're like an open book (his eyes)
I know their every look (his eyes)
All most of all the look that hypnotized me
If I'm wise, I will walk away and gladly
But sadly I'm not wise
Its hard to tuck away the memories, that you prize
Love is worth forgiving for
now i realize
everything worth living for is there in his eyes
Love is worth forgiving for
now i realize (now i realize)
everything worth living for is there in his eyes
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[Tuesday
March 15th, 2005] |
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that glittery look in your eye gives me flashbacks of what was, what isn't, and what should be. of when everything was as perfect as it could ever get. of when everything made sense. of when nothing had ever seemed more right. and of when we could really be ourselves. love is the strongest drug, and i think i had an overdose.
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alicia_michelle's journal