.. * tHe JoUrNaL of A BeAuTiFuL DiSaStEr *..

Wowwwww

Sun, 16 Apr 2006 16:16:43 GMT

It indeed has been a long time. I moved in with my aunt Janet, i rent out her basement its pretty cool i guess i dont have the internet hooked up down there yet, but i did buy a new laptop for when i do such a thing. I hope everyone is havign a wonderful easter.

I dont htink the pain of losing my dad will ever go away, it hit me last nite that this was going to be the first holiday without him, and hten his bithday which is less then a month away also a week before mine & then after that its fathers day, no one knows how bad it hurts and how hard it is.....but i just put on a happy face because its easier to pretend then to cry all the time, thank you for everyone who had kind words for me, and for everyone who has been there to listen to me, i love you all for that. Anyway im at my Aunt Joyces, and everyone is out in the living room so im going to go join them & then go with Bill to his moms house, Everyoen have a very safe & happy easter..

Mon, 09 Jan 2006 07:13:27 GMT

there isnt any way to do this that makes sense.... so im just gonna do it for me because i cant say what i need to say to the person i need to say it to.

Dear Dad,

i miss you, when i found out i lost it i wish i would have called you everyday last week i wish i would have done so much different its not even been a day since God took you from me but its been the longest day of my life.

I never once told you what a amazing person you were what a kind understanding loving person you were I keep lookign at beckys wedding pictures to just see you i keep looking for you to get online or call me or soemthing i wanna call your phone so bad & have you pick up & me tell you that i love you.

I dont understand why this happened or how or anything i want you back i want you to be here when i finally get married and when i have kids and when i graduate college. i want you to be stubborn just like i am becuase you know thats where i got it from i wanna look at you and think your 20 minutes away i want one of your massive bear hugs i want more then anything right now to be by your side

I wish i still had the voice mail you left me two weeks ago, i would do anythign just to hear your voice one last time just to tell you how much i love you and am sorry for everything i ever did wrong or made you mad i cant believe your gone why? please come back its not fair im only 21 i shouldnt have to bury my father at 21 i hope that your happy in heaven because i kno thats exactly where you are with grandma & grandpa & karl & sue....

Im sorry if i ever dissapointed you im sorry that i spent so long yelling at you for getting engadged so fast im so sorry and i love you so much and there wont be a holiday, special event, or a day that i wont miss you, i'll never forget what a wonderful person you were and all the special things we ever did togehter please just come back let this all be a dream a bad jokke anything please i jsut wanan hold your hand like i did when we would walk to the corner store to get a snack or run to you and hug you when you would get off work like i use to do everyday or just have you smile at me like i could do no wrong i wanna smell your stetson cologne or play video games with you id sit through every indian jones movie with you right now if i could just be with you i love you so much

me & becky are such a mess without you it hurts to look at her and it hurts to look in the mirror because i see so much of you in both of us ive never been so proud of how i look or my last name as i am right now because its one of the only things that no one can ever take away from me that was such a big part of you

please God give me strength to get through this give me something to hold onto because i can't do this by myself.

<3 your loving daughter

Fri, 30 Dec 2005 06:12:01 GMT

holy shit....

he asked me to move in...

all the sudden i dont feel so young & free, i feel like this is for real

Sun, 27 Nov 2005 01:23:05 GMT

there she goes again she doesn*t need a
boyfriend she*s gonna have her fun &&&
never let it go to far, but then she*ll
PARTY LIKE A ROCK STAR

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 03:57:02 GMT

for all you myspace whores!

http://www.myspace.com/xomissaliciaxo

ADD ME!

wow

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 15:12:55 GMT

I have come to the conclusion that i never ever update this thing anymore, my new addiction is myspace i love it, im sure i need a 12 step program ;)

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 04:19:32 GMT

i play it Off like i qOt nOthin tO lie abOut nOthin tO siqh abOut
but in my heart i knO i've qOt sOmethin tO cry abOut

Wed, 18 May 2005 17:29:51 GMT

im officially turn 21 as of SATURDAY wow its gonan be a hectic day i fly back around 8 ish and then i go to a dinner party sarah & i arranged with just around 20 people, and then to the club everyone whose 18 & over will go to!!! It should hopefully be the best birthday ever!!!

im having alotta fun in big bad Virginia!!!

therei snt really that much to really tlak about so im going to go! I think im getting a hair cut today so that will be fun!!!

Alrite! Im outta here!

<3 Alicia

Wed, 18 May 2005 16:23:31 GMT

hmmm....

Tue, 19 Apr 2005 19:38:00 GMT

@ school leave a comment!!!

Thu, 14 Apr 2005 03:06:50 GMT

BTW thanks everyone for reading my english paper & helping me out, oh wait!! NO ONE DID

Wed, 13 Apr 2005 06:25:53 GMT

I walked down the lengthy staircase that lead to Greg's basement, I had walked down these stairs everyday for the past two years but this time was different I knew something was wrong. All I could think about was why Greg had been acting bizarre; he never disregarded my calls before. I don't know what exactly was about to happen, but I could tell by the knots in the bottom of my stomach that it wasn't going to be good. All I am able to focus on was the bottom of the stair case where the fluorescent lighting in the basement glistened off the white shiny tile. It reminds me of one of those scary movies where the person is attracted to the bright light, knowing they shouldn't go toward it but goes anyway. That's me right now, this scared girl going towards this light which will change her life forever.

I sat on the couch where I had sat 5 million times before, where I listened to Greg in the shower where the distant noise of the water splattering on the walls of the shower stall reminded me of the tear drops that were falling from my eyes and falling onto my favorite white button up shirt that I wore just for our anniversary. Just sitting here I remembered all of our memories in his basement, the first time he brought me over to meet his mom and dad, Christmas Eve and his mom reminding him that Santa wasn't going to come if he didn't go to bed soon, and the 2 years of cuddling and talks that we shared right on this very same couch. As I snap out of my little day dream I hear Sarah and Emma make small talk with Dave and Brittney while they waited for me to come upstairs. I am so nervous I can't help but bite my nails in anticipation for Greg to step out of the shower. All the sudden I am thrown into this whirlwind of emotions. I feel betrayed that he not only ignored my calls, but when Sarah went to go knock on the door when we saw his car at the house; him looking her dead in the eye and turn around and walk away. I feel like its all my fault and that I brought this all on myself. I feel sad because I know that nothing good is going to come of this. The worst feeling hit me out of nowhere, I was so full of fear you could smell it coming up from the basement. How can I go on without him?

After sitting on the couch seemed like forever, but in all reality were just the longest minutes of my life I heard the screeching of the shower knobs turn as the water started to come to a stop. After a few minutes out stepped Greg from the bathroom looking better than ever in his American Eagle jeans and the button up shirt I bought him 14 days previous for his 20^th Birthday, I didn't even give him time to say anything in between my sobs, I stared him right in the eye and asked him why he hasn't called me. He started to say that he was about to, but knowing him as well as I did I screamed over him with

anger and hurt in my voice and said Bullshit. I asked him why he didn't return any of my calls, I had been waiting on him since 2:00 pm and here it is almost 8:00. He blurted out “I never got the Voice Mails” knowing that this was a complete lie, since I was worried about him and checked his voice mail to make sure that he was getting them. I asked" you didn't?" in a tone where he would think that I believed him, and he shook his head no as he held his head down.

I told him not to lie to me, “I checked your voicemail, I know you got them all” I shouted at him as he held his head down in shame. He said such an empty hearted sorry hat even a deaf person wouldn't believe it. I knew Greg, and I knew by the look in his eye and by the way he has been acting that something was different. I knew it was over, but I had to ask I had to. As I sat there more upset then I had ever been, Greg didn't even try to comfort me. So after I built up enough courage I asked him “ You don't love me anymore do you?” and being the selfish guy he turned into he couldn't even give me a simple yes or no, instead he shrugged his shoulder like a confused child. It's over isn't it Greg? He just held his head down and gradually shook his head yes in a way I had never seen before. Within those 10 minutes my life came to a halt and my heart shattered on the floor like a piece of expensive china. I hate you, I hate you for hurting me and giving up on me when I never gave up on you, as I screamed at him the sadness that consumed my heart turned into this furious fire of hatred that was burning my throat to be let out. When you needed me the most I was there and when it's your turn to be there for me, where the hell are you? How can you break up with me its 6 days before my birthday; Never fucking talk to me again, stay away from me I hate you ,despise you., and never want to see you again.

You would think after that I would feel so much better, but then these huge hot tear drops started rolling down my cheeks like a waterfall; and like a waterfall I couldn't stop. I'm crying so hard I can't breathe, I knew I didn't mean that, in fact I wanted him to hold me and tell me it was ok, I wanted this to be one of those scary dreams that you wake up and realize it was just that a bad dream and you continue moving on with your life. It wasn't a dream, dreams don't hurt this much. “Your a coward for giving up on this, no one will ever love you or care about you as much as I will. No one knows your expressions, your sleeping positions, and the way you smell, or the way you feel just by how you look. That you like to sit around the house on Sundays or that you care more then you let people know. I never believed in anything, in any guy the way i believed in Greg, the way i believed in our relationship, and now its over? This cant be it Greg ...it just can't be we were going to get engaged at the end of college, and married a few years after that how could you do this to me.” After all that and the reaction of him once again just shrugging it off like he didn't care, I ran upstairs crying and out the door knowing everyone in the house heard us fight and break up. I also knew that this was the beginning of a new period in my life, a period without Greg.

I guess in a certain sense everything good comes to a end unfortunately, but you couldn't told me anything good would have come out of mine and Greg's relationship ending.

Things were hard for such a long time; I tried like a desperate child to hold onto the one

thing in my life that seemed real. Holding onto it only hurt myself though, as I would soon learn when he started dating someone else. I've learned so much about myself though, what I like and want out of life. I learned to appreciate my friends, and saw who throught the good and bad was there, and who was just there when it was convenient. I learned to deal with what life throws at you. All this is a part of growing up, and I am glad I went through it because I am a stronger person because of it all.

PLease Answer:

Did you see it happening in your head?

Did you feel emotion?

What was your Fav?

What shoudl i change?

Thu, 07 Apr 2005 06:15:01 GMT

im so fuckign tired of people being ass holes to me , i do nice things for them & go out of my way to help them and then because i dont just keep my mouth shut about shit they get a attitude, WTF .

I dont understand this shit at all, not to mention how they claim there so fucking busy but yet play a stupid fuckign computer game all the mother fuckign time & lord knows if you said anything to them they would deny it. OK like i dont have two eyes, like i dont see you sistting there playing the mother fuckign game. But whatever what the fuck do i know?

what really pisses me off is you try to carry on a conversation with them and they just play a fuckign game thats all they ever fuckign do heaven forbid they go out to lunch with you, go somewhere, get up off their ass and do something with you but i guess "cyber" friends are so much better then your fucking sister, im done with this, from now ion i will clean my mess up & that is it i wil ldo my laundry and that is it i will not go out of my way for anyone....except brian because he atleast scknowledges im alive when i say hi or bye....

fuck that i dont claim to be perfect & i kno i can be a bitch at times & moody & all of that but i try to go out of my way in other areas to make up for it who ever invented the GAY ASS FUCKING GAME SECOND LIFE can seriously suck my ass

Wed, 06 Apr 2005 03:58:32 GMT

"...maybe i'm a girl, maybe i'm a lonely girl who's in the middle of something that she doesn't really understand..."

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 05:00:12 GMT

I tried to be perfect
But nothing was worth it
I don’t believe it makes me real
I thought it’d be easy
But no one believes me
I meant all the things I said

If you believe it’s in my soul
I’d say all the words that I know
Just to see if it would show
That I’m trying to let you know
That I’m better off on my own

Sun, 03 Apr 2005 22:16:27 GMT

DUDEE I TOTALLY RE-DID MY JOURNAL!!!!

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 15:20:18 GMT

Ive been a bad badd badddd girl =/ But we definatley wont go into that. My aim isnt working & i hate it!!! not to mention im fucking tired as all hell yikes today is gonna suck donkey balls

im sposed to go out with richard tomorrow but i dunno if things will go through or not for once, its hard for me to even get excited because almost everyother time we have made plans they never come through

the weather has finally been nice outside for a change, i love it but i hate when its only pretty on the days i have work & schoo l all day., go figure.

anyway, i think im gonna close this one out i got alot on my mind & im tired so im gonna lay down for another hour:-D

Thu, 31 Mar 2005 07:08:19 GMT

and as her world came crashing down she realized she didn't love him. she loved the comfort of believing she was in love. they had sex all the time, it was a comfort...it was her believing someone cared about her. when all she was to him was a good fuck. i guess thats all he was to her too. when you feel as empty as she did, you would do anything to make yourself whole again...

Sat, 19 Mar 2005 20:17:04 GMT

In His Eyes- Jekyll and Hyde<3

I sit and watch the rain
And see my tears run down the window pane
I sit and watch the sky
and I can hear it heave a sigh
I think of him how we were
And when I think of him, then I remember
(remember)
In his eyes I can see
where my heart longs to be
In his eyes I see a gentle glow
and thats where I'll be safe I know
Safe in his arms, close to his heart
but I don't know quite where to start

By looking in his eyes
Will I see beyond tomorrow?
By looking in his eyes
will I see beyond the sorrow, that I feel?

Will his eyes reveal to me
promises or lies?
But he can't conceal from me the love in his eyes

They're like an open book (his eyes)
I know their every look (his eyes)
All most of all the look that hypnotized me

If I'm wise, I will walk away and gladly
But sadly I'm not wise
Its hard to tuck away the memories, that you prize

Love is worth forgiving for
now i realize
everything worth living for is there in his eyes

Love is worth forgiving for
now i realize (now i realize)
everything worth living for is there in his eyes

Tue, 15 Mar 2005 10:31:12 GMT

that glittery look in your eye gives me flashbacks of what was, what isn't, and what should be. of when everything was as perfect as it could ever get. of when everything made sense. of when nothing had ever seemed more right. and of when we could really be ourselves. love is the strongest drug, and i think i had an overdose.

Sat, 05 Mar 2005 09:55:17 GMT

sarah has this in her profile :)

Alicia MicheLLe...
I love you SO MUCH! thank you for everything that you have done for me... I have never ever met someone that could care so much about one person. Thank you for always being there for me and helping me out when i needed someone the most. You are a fantastic person with a very beautiful heart and I know that the day you walk down the aisle that man you are walking towards will look at you and say to himself I AM THE LUCKIEST MAN ALIVE. Always keep a high head.

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 21:31:37 GMT

Your Seduction Style: Siren / Rake

You possess an unbridled sensuality that appeals to many.
The minute you meet anyone, you can make the crave you almost immediately.
You give others the chance to lose control with you... spiraling into carnal bliss.
A dangerous lover, you both fascinate and scare those you attract.

What Is Your Seduction Style?

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 21:25:58 GMT

Love and other things for the bored
Created by awsomedude69 and taken 82 times on bzoink!
You and All About Yourself
Name?	Alicia
Age?	20
Height?	5'6
Weight?	to much
Hair Color?	Brown
Eye Color?	brown
School?	Hfcc
Do you...
Have a driver's license?	yes
Have A girlfriend?	no
Have a boyfriend?	no
Both?	no
Go to church?	Not like i should.
Sing?	In the shower or in the car!
Have you ever?
Kissed the opposite sex?	Yes
Kissed the same sex?	no
Made out with the opposite sex?	Yes
Made out with the same sex?	no
Gone to second?	lol yea, then i rounded to third
Gone to third?	and went on home from third!
Had Sex?	Yess
Driven a car?	Yes
Crashed a car?	no!
Been hit by a car?	hell yah
Beaten someone up?	haha all the time
Been beaten up?	Yea!
Been in love?	......Ya
Been loved?	Yes
Been hurt in love?	yah
Been dumped?	yep
Dumped someone?	Yah
Asked someone out?	haha maybe in 5th grade?
Been asked out?	yes
Right Now
Shirt you're wearing?	Yellow old navy one
Pants?	Mr.Bubbles Pj Pants ( its almost obvious im doing laundry)
Under your shirt? (t-shirt for guys bra for girls)	nothing
Underwear?	light blue thong
What you're thinking?	* about life
Who...
Are you thinking about?	*him
Is thinking about you?	no one
Are you in love with?	no one
Is in love with you?	no one
Is the last person you went out with?	In a relationship? Greg, on a date Richard
Is the last person that asked you out?	Gregory for a relationship Rich for a date
That you had a fight with?	Greg
That you hurt?	Greg
That hurt you?	Greg
Made you cry?	Greg LMfao i noticing a pattern here
Is that last person that you made cry?	i dont know...
Beat you up?	halley
That you beat up?	Halley lol
When...
Was the last time you brushed your teeth?	Yesterday haha i still need t oshower
Went to the doctor?	couple months ago
Had any intimate contact with a member of the opposite sex?	like less than a month ago
Went out?	a couple hrs ago
Pet an animal?	last nite
Watched TV?	Last nite
What was...
The last thing you did?	Put a load of laundry in the washer
Watched?	Some late nite TV!
Eaten?	Taco bell
Drank?	Pepsi
And so it continues
Who did you talk to last?	Chad
Called last?	Chad
Called you?	Chad
Hung out with?	Halley, Greg, Greg, Brittney, dave,Kevin, Evan, ed, and the list goes on
Who was the last person you tried to hang out with?	Richard
Tried to hand out with you?	Richard
Almost done...
Are you bored of this quiz?	nah
How about now?	no
If you could date anyone in the world, who would it be?	* someone who was loyal honest & funny
Tired of this survey yet?	nope
Hoping no one reads this?	nah
Create a Survey \| Search Surveys \| Go to bzoink!

Fri, 18 Feb 2005 19:16:41 GMT

Find a guy who will risk anything,
just so he can be with you.
Who calls you beautiful instead of hot.
Who calls you back,
when you hang up on him.
Who stays awake just to watch you sleep.
Wait for the guy who kises your forehead.
Who shows you off to the world.
Who holds your hand as much as possible.
Who is constantly reminding you,
how much he cares and,
how lucky he is to have you
thats the one worth waiting for

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 05:43:18 GMT

i dunno waht to think about everything =/ i think i mite be starting to care for him.....